Considering just how gross our so-called civil society is as a whole, it’s amazing that national lockdowns haven’t already become a regular occurrence in the United States. Or maybe this is just the beginning. It’s tough to say. But it’s almost as though nature is finally catching up to the arrogance of humanity, and it plans to keep pummeling it until there is nothing left but a wet spot and several million pairs of shoes. Like it’s difficult to imagine that all of our nasty habits, the unprotected sex, the nose picking and those rendezvouses we share with those people who don’t wash their hands after taking a dump hasn’t spawned some kind of savage uprising in “the ick” and laid us all to waste long before now. There’s no doubt about it. We are lucky to be alive.

That said, some of you sickos are still out there slobbering all over the same joint like a pack of wolves fighting over a mountain goat. It’s like the cannabis scene didn’t get the memo informing them that the days of the puff, puff, pass are gone forever.

I’m not sure how sharing a joint with others ever became a thing, to begin with. Call me old fashioned, but swapping spit with people that I haven’t seen naked at least once, well, that’s just not my jam. You know, maybe this stoned activity could have been tolerated to some degree, if not for the fact that there wasn’t always some Toxic Avenger-looking mofos fish-lipping the goddamned thing before passing it my way. There’s the Goth girl with a half-inch layer black lipstick and a mouthful of gum who won’t stop jabbering about existentialism and The Cure. Oh, yeah, and there’s that one dude with a massive cold sore that seems like it is trying to speak. “Join us, Mike, join us! Mmmmmwwwwahahahahahaha!” And then, of course, there’s the old hippy hacking up a lung on the couch, yet he swears he’s not contagious anymore. “I was sick as Hell about a week ago, mang – some real vile shit — but it’s all gone now, don’t worry.”

Ah, fuck off.

Listen, I enjoy getting high just as much as the next person, but no buzz is worth catching the herp or being strapped to life support. But then again, in the interest of full disclosure, I do have a few hang-ups that could make me extra sensitive to this issue. Sure, I’m not at all keen on smoke circles, but I also cannot eat seven-day-old peanut butter or take a piss in public. It would take years of extensive therapy to get to the root of my problems, and I don’t have that kind of time. But know this: There’s nothing psychologically askew with the person who doesn’t want to put their mouth on the same joint, bowl or bong as someone else. Because it’s just foul.

Long before some demon bug named after a beer started wreaking havoc on the entire rotten planet, we’ve known that smoking weed with other humans isn’t exactly the most sanitary of stoner practices. There was even a studypublished last year, showing that it was actually safer for people to drag their tongues across the toilet seat than it was to pass weed around the room. Just think about some of the crappers you’ve come across over the years – the ones rotting away in roadside gas stations, dive bars and car races. Are you freaking kidding me? Try using the shitter at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway during the 500. It’s like taking a leak at Jeffery Dahmer’s house. No joke. I swear, in addition to knee-deep pools of bubbling excrement, there are body parts all over the floor. The Indiana State Department of Health should be standing at the entrance administering shots for all of the poor bastards that dare drop-trou in there.

So, it was shocking to learn that, “an astounding level of bacteria was found on cannabis pipes, vaporizers, and joints; significantly higher than what was initially expected.” In fact, despite all of the disgusting bacteria that humankind carries, leaves all over shit, and spreads like jungle clap, researchers concluded that no other surface was quite as filthy as used marijuana paraphernalia.

Slowly but surely, high society is starting to realize that sharing weed should be thing of the past. All it took was an aggressive bug with the power to drown them in their own lung juices to get the picture. While smoking was once the preferred consumption method for the majority of cannabis users, that trend is now moving more toward edibles and beverages. Some of the latest data from Headset shows that sales on THC-infused eats and drinks have substantially increased over the past couple of months (14% and 28%, respectively) as people hoard their lockdown stashes.

This could become the new normal in post-apocalyptic times. It is conceivable that Americans are going to emerge from this bug with PTSD, and they may start being more careful where they put their mouths. If you ask me, it’s about damn time. Let’s bid farewell to the social smoke circle forever and usher in a glorious, new day when everyone gets their own weed. After all, there aren’t any drinkers out there passing around 12-ounce bottles of beer with their buddies. Weed shouldn’t be any different. It never should have been in the first place. So cut the shit.

Now, if only we could keep you sons of bitches from pissing all over the bathroom floors and taking dumps in the hand dryers, humanity might have a fighting chance at surviving into the next decade.